The Creation of Me
Let me start off by saying that I take full responsibility
for being me. I realize now that choice has always been in my hands. I didn't always
know this, but I know this now. It has taken me a really long time to comprehend
things that were for better or worse, given to me as part of this experience
that I live. I think it’s important to understand who we are and how we became
who we are in order to move forward into an awakened state.
I am a timid creature, always trepidatious. I am really good
at hiding that though…for survival purposes it is a must. I am an Introvert to
the extreme. I live inside myself fully. I have turned my energy inward.
I try very hard to make sense of things so that I feel safe.
If I understand then I am at peace. If I can’t get my head around something I
am at unrest. I have for as long as I can remember…felt pulled. I feel
something calling, pulling. Like the earth being pulled around the sun,
spinning in place while tumbling at 67,000+ mph.
It puts me in a state of
constant disorder because I don’t always understand it. Sometimes I do and I
choose to ignore the pull or fight with it, turning it within as it twirls into
absolute chaos. Then there are the times that I listen to this….this melody
that is being played that only I can hear. My vibrations change, my energy
changes, I have dreams that are spiritual and absolutely overwhelming. Taking
my breath away and leaving me weeping with joy, a part of the absoluteness of
it all. I never forget these dreams and the feelings attached to them remain to
this day, a well of fragrant power for me. There is a down side to this though.
Because with those dreams, the other dreams come… the other dreams that are
absolutely terrifying! I have woken up literally scrambling up my bed saying
OMG what the FUCK was that!!! My heart racing a hundred miles an hour, knowing
that shit was real, afraid to move because you still feel darkness on you. I
have awakened myself speaking languages that I do not know, fluently…then
realizing that I am and it all disappears in a wisp of proverbial smoke. I know
that I see things differently and it scares me.
Most people see that creation happened at one point in
time…big bang…boom! I see it differently, I see that I am, we are, it is, in a
process of creation. I am still being created and so is everyone and everything
around me. Everything that I feel, see, hear, taste, touch, love, hate…..every
single minute thing down to the air I breathe and the food I eat, the people I
meet, creates who I am, an act of osmosis if you will. For me, it has always
been that way and it always will. I didn't always know this though.
I have my hand in your clay and you have your hand in mine, sometimes
indirectly and sometimes directly. Sometimes, I have been molded with rough
uncaring hands, and sometimes I have been molded with love. I have had a lot of
moments, some I could control and some I could not, so many hands at work…that
you wonder in amazement how you got to where you are at this moment in time.
I think I may have been a story teller in a past life
sometimes. I see everything as a story to be told, a face to read, a page to
turn, a window to look through, an idea to make love to, a flower field to lay
in…a scent to still me. It amazes me how far forward one can move in the
presence of Stillness...
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