The Creation of Me Part 5: Cleaning and being Cleaned

I've been procrastinating. I know I should be writing right now, I feel it but am avoiding it at the same time. Actually for the ....*Laughs* I was going to say first time but realized...I say that a lot....but connecting always feels like the first time no matter how many times it has happened in the past or how many times it will happen in the future. I'm alone. I hear the cars passing outside every few seconds to remind me that I am not really alone....but it makes no difference. I hear the dog barking in the distance....and a plane overhead...but mostly what I hear are words bouncing around in my head...and with each word I grab onto I go up or down, depending on the word. Such a powerful thing words...I think I may have to stop talking for a while, I fear this sometimes...not being able to talk...to write. I keep hearing this echo of my own voice on a dark night not so long ago...."You pick one foot up and put it in front of the other. You move forward that way." Time for change for more than just one person. Change is a scary thing and not at all easy....but Rumi once said :

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

and that comforts me and gives me excitement for what can be....we never know what

 tomorrow brings...there is only now. 

The Creation of Me Part 4: Please Don't Misunderstand

I realized something recently about myself….It has to do with…oh so many things, and its as painful as slowly pealing an onion back layer by layer…I have been such an angry person as of late. Peoples actions leave a very sour taste in my mouth…*Smiles* gotta love the food references….sorry that is just how it is coming out. I was just about to write, Like a lemon. And there goes my train of thought…I digress please excuse me. Anger is very hard for me to contain once I am angry, it just spills out of me onto the floor like the Wicked Witch of the West, when she had water poured on her. I hate it…and I know that is a problem too. I feel so dizzy trying to unravel the cycle that has been going on far to long…take it and take it and take it…for what? you might ask…For hope, for being stubborn, for hating conflict,for wanting to not be alone. I have a confession to make…I can’t ever remember a time when I was not by myself…I've been alone for short periods of time, but I always had my children…Before that I was a child myself.They were my one constant…and then I ask myself this question to what I believe…If I AM  Infinite…then this statement is not true….There is only one Constant….Me.

To be continued…