My Harley

You see its not what you think...just as many things aren't...My Harley doesn't have handle bars...but two arms. My Harley also does not have wheels...just two legs...like you and me. And where the engine should be, is a Huge Heart...and it is full of Love...for me and a few other choice people. His mother of course dotes on him....Harley can do no wrong in her eyes. She would be mad at me If I didn't mention her *grins*.

He can make me laugh....when the world has ended...such an astonishing feat. Those legs and arms I spoke so casually of earlier...have held me up when I wanted to collapse. He has walked every step of the way with me loving and growing with me. I know he thinks I'm crazy...and I know he loves me especially for it.

He is the ONE person I can just be myself with and know that I am unconditionally loved. No shield, no defensive wall...I hope we die old together at the same moment, for I would not want to be separated from him in such a decisive way....ever. I want to mingle my Energy with his forever more.  

We were married on Oct. 31 for a very special reason...to symbolize a time of change...from summer to fall, I time of plenty, the time to harvest what we had sown. These were are wedding vows.

Reading

Looking for your face

From the beginning of my life

I have been looking for your face

but today I have seen it.

Today I have seen

the charm, the beauty,

the unfathomable grace

of the face

that I was looking for.

Today I have found you

and those that laughed

and scorned me yesterday

are sorry that they were not looking

as I did.

I am bewildered by the magnificence

of your beauty

and wish to see you with a hundred eyes.

My heart has burned with passion

and has searched forever

for this wondrous beauty

that I now behold.

I am ashamed

to call this love human

and afraid of God

to call it divine.

Your fragrant breath

like the morning breeze

has come to the stillness of the garden

You have breathed new life into me

I have become your sunshine

and also your shadow.

My soul is screaming in ecstasy

Every fiber of my being

is in love with you

Your effulgence

has lit a fire in my heart

and you have made radiant

for me

the earth and sky.

My arrow of love

has arrived at the target

I am in the house of mercy

and my heart

is a place of prayer.

~Rumi~

(Name), I offer you not the "summer of my life" but the autumn, brisk and vibrant.

I promise to be a companion worthy of your precious friendship. I pledgeyou compassion in good times and bad; encouragement in sickness and health. 

We'll cherish the memories of our individual pasts;and create our new life as we go now together.

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.

Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years, May happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth.

This is My Harley.

The Creation of Me Part 6: This To Shall Pass

This is for someone/s in particular, so there will be no mention of names as they will know who they are....

I wanted you to know that there aren't many people I trust enough to allow them to pull me into their Arms and Energy and tell me I can do this, encouraging me to breathe....to allow you to look dead in my eyes and look you back dead in the eye and say..."I don't think I can do this." I am very sorry if I Let you down...more importantly I am sorry I let Myself down. I wish that You could for just a moment look through the world with my eyes,ears, nerves, thoughts,feelings and instantly know how to fix me.

Sometimes your Energy is almost to much for me, even though you hardly say a word, and when you do speak, wisdom just drips from your mouth like......honey in a too full jar. Then...you add Her to the mix...Her loving and caring Energy....takes my breath away sometimes. Then put me in a room with 7-10 other people who's Energy was vibrating all around me and I knew.....couldn't even stop myself....and the tears just flowed. I couldn't stop them anymore........I found myself swallowing, trying to stop it. Not even hearing a word that was being said...not really, so focused on making myself not let it go. To many people I did not know, noise, laughter, music,'t everything echoing off the walls of my head and the walls of the room. My insides shaking. Knowing that if I actually connected with that Energy with touch....all bets would have been off. So I walked away. I was scared. I didn't want to break in front of Everyone.

I know that I am being violently swept clean right now, I can step back and see it. I am trying to experience it as it comes, I know....this too shall pass.

The Creation of Me Part 5: Cleaning and being Cleaned

I've been procrastinating. I know I should be writing right now, I feel it but am avoiding it at the same time. Actually for the ....*Laughs* I was going to say first time but realized...I say that a lot....but connecting always feels like the first time no matter how many times it has happened in the past or how many times it will happen in the future. I'm alone. I hear the cars passing outside every few seconds to remind me that I am not really alone....but it makes no difference. I hear the dog barking in the distance....and a plane overhead...but mostly what I hear are words bouncing around in my head...and with each word I grab onto I go up or down, depending on the word. Such a powerful thing words...I think I may have to stop talking for a while, I fear this sometimes...not being able to talk...to write. I keep hearing this echo of my own voice on a dark night not so long ago...."You pick one foot up and put it in front of the other. You move forward that way." Time for change for more than just one person. Change is a scary thing and not at all easy....but Rumi once said :

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

and that comforts me and gives me excitement for what can be....we never know what

 tomorrow brings...there is only now. 

The Creation of Me Part 4: Please Don't Misunderstand

I realized something recently about myself….It has to do with…oh so many things, and its as painful as slowly pealing an onion back layer by layer…I have been such an angry person as of late. Peoples actions leave a very sour taste in my mouth…*Smiles* gotta love the food references….sorry that is just how it is coming out. I was just about to write, Like a lemon. And there goes my train of thought…I digress please excuse me. Anger is very hard for me to contain once I am angry, it just spills out of me onto the floor like the Wicked Witch of the West, when she had water poured on her. I hate it…and I know that is a problem too. I feel so dizzy trying to unravel the cycle that has been going on far to long…take it and take it and take it…for what? you might ask…For hope, for being stubborn, for hating conflict,for wanting to not be alone. I have a confession to make…I can’t ever remember a time when I was not by myself…I've been alone for short periods of time, but I always had my children…Before that I was a child myself.They were my one constant…and then I ask myself this question to what I believe…If I AM  Infinite…then this statement is not true….There is only one Constant….Me.

To be continued…

 

The Creation of Me Part 3 : Being Realized

I'm afraid to start even writing this. I've sat here for about five min now staring at a blank screen. Trying with all my might to even come up with a title for all that is running through my mind. How do you condense everything you want to say into a sentence? How do I grab a hold of you and get your attention? What is it that will touch you? What is it that will make you love me unconditionally? Or are you already loving me unconditionally and I am to blind to see it? If I am blind to see it what does that say about me? Do I really want to know? *laughs* I keep hearing in my mind, " Once you know you can never un-know." I already know too much, do I really want to keep inundating myself with knowing?

Sometimes I just want to sleep. To close my eyes to the world, in a place that smells like Water Lilly, to bury myself in the sound of running water, letting it cleanse me body, mind and soul. To squish my toes into velvety thick moss as the tingle of energy spreads up my legs and to just be....with no thought...being. Here I am nameless. Here I am faceless. Here....I AM.

The more I am quiet the louder things get. Chaos. I find myself wanting to create...order? I am not sure...that is a new understanding for me...that feeling. I don't mean...actually I am not entirely sure, what I mean. Creation....it is after all what we do isn't it? We are Creators in every aspect of our lives...even in the lives of others we create. We even get to choose what we create....Love, whispers, hate, anger, laughter, homes, buildings, machines, everything. It is part of our seed, our makeup, our existence.

I sometimes feel like what the first thought of consciousness felt like, or what comes to my mind when I think of that action happening. Surrounded by nothingness, black matter all around you, smothering you...this tiny spark of realization pushing against the viscidity of space like a hand against a stretchy fabric...the first thought being formed....being birthed. Realization. I am being Realized.

Spiritual Window Shopping

These spiritual window shoppers
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking. 
They handle a hundred items and put them down, 
shadows with no capital.



 What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping. 
But these walk into a shop, 
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment, 
in that shop.



 Where did you go? "Nowhere." 
What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."



 Even if you don't know what you want, 
buy _something,_ to be part of the exchanging flow.



 Start a huge, foolish project, 
like Noah.



 It makes absolutely no difference 
what people think of you.


Rumi 

Graceful Giving

Today someone said to me "Your giving lacks grace." I have to reflect about this...because I don't want my giving to lack grace. But they were right in all honesty. At least in this circumstance. A lesson I am trying to work through. It was hard to hear it said outloud though. I found myself trying to justify my lack of grace and purety in my giving. To deflect and make them the responsible party. I know why I feel the way I feel and why my giving lacks grace, but those are all my own thoughts and perspectives, so therefore my responisblility to change it, if I so choose. My ego wants to be all over this, and because I am aware of this I can sit appearing quiet on the outside, but inside I have been a flurry of thoughts, emotions, perceptions, sparks, movements, understandings, observations....I'm sorry my giving has lacked grace.