The Creation of Me Part 6: This To Shall Pass

This is for someone/s in particular, so there will be no mention of names as they will know who they are....

I wanted you to know that there aren't many people I trust enough to allow them to pull me into their Arms and Energy and tell me I can do this, encouraging me to breathe....to allow you to look dead in my eyes and look you back dead in the eye and say..."I don't think I can do this." I am very sorry if I Let you down...more importantly I am sorry I let Myself down. I wish that You could for just a moment look through the world with my eyes,ears, nerves, thoughts,feelings and instantly know how to fix me.

Sometimes your Energy is almost to much for me, even though you hardly say a word, and when you do speak, wisdom just drips from your mouth like......honey in a too full jar. Then...you add Her to the mix...Her loving and caring Energy....takes my breath away sometimes. Then put me in a room with 7-10 other people who's Energy was vibrating all around me and I knew.....couldn't even stop myself....and the tears just flowed. I couldn't stop them anymore........I found myself swallowing, trying to stop it. Not even hearing a word that was being said...not really, so focused on making myself not let it go. To many people I did not know, noise, laughter, music,'t everything echoing off the walls of my head and the walls of the room. My insides shaking. Knowing that if I actually connected with that Energy with touch....all bets would have been off. So I walked away. I was scared. I didn't want to break in front of Everyone.

I know that I am being violently swept clean right now, I can step back and see it. I am trying to experience it as it comes, I know....this too shall pass.

The Creation of Me Part 5: Cleaning and being Cleaned

I've been procrastinating. I know I should be writing right now, I feel it but am avoiding it at the same time. Actually for the ....*Laughs* I was going to say first time but realized...I say that a lot....but connecting always feels like the first time no matter how many times it has happened in the past or how many times it will happen in the future. I'm alone. I hear the cars passing outside every few seconds to remind me that I am not really alone....but it makes no difference. I hear the dog barking in the distance....and a plane overhead...but mostly what I hear are words bouncing around in my head...and with each word I grab onto I go up or down, depending on the word. Such a powerful thing words...I think I may have to stop talking for a while, I fear this sometimes...not being able to talk...to write. I keep hearing this echo of my own voice on a dark night not so long ago...."You pick one foot up and put it in front of the other. You move forward that way." Time for change for more than just one person. Change is a scary thing and not at all easy....but Rumi once said :

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

and that comforts me and gives me excitement for what can be....we never know what

 tomorrow brings...there is only now. 

The Creation of Me Part 4: Please Don't Misunderstand

I realized something recently about myself….It has to do with…oh so many things, and its as painful as slowly pealing an onion back layer by layer…I have been such an angry person as of late. Peoples actions leave a very sour taste in my mouth…*Smiles* gotta love the food references….sorry that is just how it is coming out. I was just about to write, Like a lemon. And there goes my train of thought…I digress please excuse me. Anger is very hard for me to contain once I am angry, it just spills out of me onto the floor like the Wicked Witch of the West, when she had water poured on her. I hate it…and I know that is a problem too. I feel so dizzy trying to unravel the cycle that has been going on far to long…take it and take it and take it…for what? you might ask…For hope, for being stubborn, for hating conflict,for wanting to not be alone. I have a confession to make…I can’t ever remember a time when I was not by myself…I've been alone for short periods of time, but I always had my children…Before that I was a child myself.They were my one constant…and then I ask myself this question to what I believe…If I AM  Infinite…then this statement is not true….There is only one Constant….Me.

To be continued…

 

The Creation of Me Part 3 : Being Realized

I'm afraid to start even writing this. I've sat here for about five min now staring at a blank screen. Trying with all my might to even come up with a title for all that is running through my mind. How do you condense everything you want to say into a sentence? How do I grab a hold of you and get your attention? What is it that will touch you? What is it that will make you love me unconditionally? Or are you already loving me unconditionally and I am to blind to see it? If I am blind to see it what does that say about me? Do I really want to know? *laughs* I keep hearing in my mind, " Once you know you can never un-know." I already know too much, do I really want to keep inundating myself with knowing?

Sometimes I just want to sleep. To close my eyes to the world, in a place that smells like Water Lilly, to bury myself in the sound of running water, letting it cleanse me body, mind and soul. To squish my toes into velvety thick moss as the tingle of energy spreads up my legs and to just be....with no thought...being. Here I am nameless. Here I am faceless. Here....I AM.

The more I am quiet the louder things get. Chaos. I find myself wanting to create...order? I am not sure...that is a new understanding for me...that feeling. I don't mean...actually I am not entirely sure, what I mean. Creation....it is after all what we do isn't it? We are Creators in every aspect of our lives...even in the lives of others we create. We even get to choose what we create....Love, whispers, hate, anger, laughter, homes, buildings, machines, everything. It is part of our seed, our makeup, our existence.

I sometimes feel like what the first thought of consciousness felt like, or what comes to my mind when I think of that action happening. Surrounded by nothingness, black matter all around you, smothering you...this tiny spark of realization pushing against the viscidity of space like a hand against a stretchy fabric...the first thought being formed....being birthed. Realization. I am being Realized.

Spiritual Window Shopping

These spiritual window shoppers
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking. 
They handle a hundred items and put them down, 
shadows with no capital.



 What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping. 
But these walk into a shop, 
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment, 
in that shop.



 Where did you go? "Nowhere." 
What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."



 Even if you don't know what you want, 
buy _something,_ to be part of the exchanging flow.



 Start a huge, foolish project, 
like Noah.



 It makes absolutely no difference 
what people think of you.


Rumi 

Graceful Giving

Today someone said to me "Your giving lacks grace." I have to reflect about this...because I don't want my giving to lack grace. But they were right in all honesty. At least in this circumstance. A lesson I am trying to work through. It was hard to hear it said outloud though. I found myself trying to justify my lack of grace and purety in my giving. To deflect and make them the responsible party. I know why I feel the way I feel and why my giving lacks grace, but those are all my own thoughts and perspectives, so therefore my responisblility to change it, if I so choose. My ego wants to be all over this, and because I am aware of this I can sit appearing quiet on the outside, but inside I have been a flurry of thoughts, emotions, perceptions, sparks, movements, understandings, observations....I'm sorry my giving has lacked grace.

Perusing Emotion-The Creation of Me. Part 2.

i found myself perusing things last night and today to elicite emotion. i like to peruse old letters. Usually i keep things that are important to me in a special place... reserved to always be the Giver. The Giver...one might ask...what does this "Giver" give you? i sigh deeply in trying to put words on what is given to me...it gives to me....exactly what i put into it, to give it back at a later time.

Before i even pick it up, the electric energy pulls me filling me with emotion. i know that there is Love inside...for i have made sure that it overflows. This ordinary holder of memories becomes special because of the contents. Your senses highten, for me smell helps to develope the process....i pull the first letter out, its from my daughter...she wrote it to me on Mother's Day. i unfold the paper and I can smell the ink and paper, it is slightly aged and worn as it has been imprinted on me. i opened it up and saw that somehow it had gotten wet and the ink has been faded...oh...please let it still be readable flows through my thoughts, outwardly i am silent. i pull it close to me as if in a hug when i realize that it is and breathe a sigh of relief. i disappear inwardly, becoming a part of the words of the moment...its almost as if i am being pulled out and along a thread and BAM! I am there. I don't have to look around because I can see everything in a moment...and more importantly...I feel what I see and see what I feel. Tears and Love are summoned and they flow forth, like old friends...enveloping me in a warm embrace.

To be continued......