The Creation of Me Part 3 : Being Realized

I'm afraid to start even writing this. I've sat here for about five min now staring at a blank screen. Trying with all my might to even come up with a title for all that is running through my mind. How do you condense everything you want to say into a sentence? How do I grab a hold of you and get your attention? What is it that will touch you? What is it that will make you love me unconditionally? Or are you already loving me unconditionally and I am to blind to see it? If I am blind to see it what does that say about me? Do I really want to know? *laughs* I keep hearing in my mind, " Once you know you can never un-know." I already know too much, do I really want to keep inundating myself with knowing?

Sometimes I just want to sleep. To close my eyes to the world, in a place that smells like Water Lilly, to bury myself in the sound of running water, letting it cleanse me body, mind and soul. To squish my toes into velvety thick moss as the tingle of energy spreads up my legs and to just be....with no thought...being. Here I am nameless. Here I am faceless. Here....I AM.

The more I am quiet the louder things get. Chaos. I find myself wanting to create...order? I am not sure...that is a new understanding for me...that feeling. I don't mean...actually I am not entirely sure, what I mean. Creation....it is after all what we do isn't it? We are Creators in every aspect of our lives...even in the lives of others we create. We even get to choose what we create....Love, whispers, hate, anger, laughter, homes, buildings, machines, everything. It is part of our seed, our makeup, our existence.

I sometimes feel like what the first thought of consciousness felt like, or what comes to my mind when I think of that action happening. Surrounded by nothingness, black matter all around you, smothering you...this tiny spark of realization pushing against the viscidity of space like a hand against a stretchy fabric...the first thought being formed....being birthed. Realization. I am being Realized.

Spiritual Window Shopping

These spiritual window shoppers
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking. 
They handle a hundred items and put them down, 
shadows with no capital.



 What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping. 
But these walk into a shop, 
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment, 
in that shop.



 Where did you go? "Nowhere." 
What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."



 Even if you don't know what you want, 
buy _something,_ to be part of the exchanging flow.



 Start a huge, foolish project, 
like Noah.



 It makes absolutely no difference 
what people think of you.


Rumi 

Graceful Giving

Today someone said to me "Your giving lacks grace." I have to reflect about this...because I don't want my giving to lack grace. But they were right in all honesty. At least in this circumstance. A lesson I am trying to work through. It was hard to hear it said outloud though. I found myself trying to justify my lack of grace and purety in my giving. To deflect and make them the responsible party. I know why I feel the way I feel and why my giving lacks grace, but those are all my own thoughts and perspectives, so therefore my responisblility to change it, if I so choose. My ego wants to be all over this, and because I am aware of this I can sit appearing quiet on the outside, but inside I have been a flurry of thoughts, emotions, perceptions, sparks, movements, understandings, observations....I'm sorry my giving has lacked grace.

Perusing Emotion-The Creation of Me. Part 2.

i found myself perusing things last night and today to elicite emotion. i like to peruse old letters. Usually i keep things that are important to me in a special place... reserved to always be the Giver. The Giver...one might ask...what does this "Giver" give you? i sigh deeply in trying to put words on what is given to me...it gives to me....exactly what i put into it, to give it back at a later time.

Before i even pick it up, the electric energy pulls me filling me with emotion. i know that there is Love inside...for i have made sure that it overflows. This ordinary holder of memories becomes special because of the contents. Your senses highten, for me smell helps to develope the process....i pull the first letter out, its from my daughter...she wrote it to me on Mother's Day. i unfold the paper and I can smell the ink and paper, it is slightly aged and worn as it has been imprinted on me. i opened it up and saw that somehow it had gotten wet and the ink has been faded...oh...please let it still be readable flows through my thoughts, outwardly i am silent. i pull it close to me as if in a hug when i realize that it is and breathe a sigh of relief. i disappear inwardly, becoming a part of the words of the moment...its almost as if i am being pulled out and along a thread and BAM! I am there. I don't have to look around because I can see everything in a moment...and more importantly...I feel what I see and see what I feel. Tears and Love are summoned and they flow forth, like old friends...enveloping me in a warm embrace.

To be continued......

An Idea for Change

So....this lottery got me thinking. It was 588 Million Dollars. Two people won it and they will share...385 Million. The government will get 203 million and that will be divided into oblivion. This got me thinking about how it got that high. It has rolled over for 16 weeks. For 16 weeks we have funneled millions of dollars into a system that has made 2 people rich and those people...may or may not spend their money wisely. We all know that the odds of winning are astronomical,1 in 175,711,536.....you have a better chance to drop dead of a heart attack right this second. That brings me to the question....why. Why when we have so many woes in this world, why when we complain that our economy is so bad do we continue to do this....we funnel BILLIONS of dollars into the lottery. 11.6 billion dollars has been paid out to 300 people in the last 20 years. That doesn't include the governments take. I'm not going to break it all down here, because I really don't need to....we all get the point.

That's a lot of money

There are so many other things that we could be doing with that money. Things that benefit us all as a whole...our education system is *sighs* a joke, people are homeless, hungry, and destitute all around us. We don't need our government to tell us that we can see it on a daily basis...yet we look to them to fix our woes when we could be fixing them ourselves. No one MAKES us spend that much money on lottery. It isn't a necessity. We could develope an energy source that could change the world with that kind of money. We could create so many helpful ideas...so many. But yet we continue on as if we are the only ones that matter...if I win...I'll be happy...who cares about all that other stuff...I'll be happy. Sadly the odds are against it though. Two people are very happy today though....I have a hard time not thinking of all the ones that aren't though. I hope it was money well spent.

Creation of Me Part 1

The Creation of Me

Let me start off by saying that I take full responsibility for being me. I realize now that choice has always been in my hands. I didn't always know this, but I know this now. It has taken me a really long time to comprehend things that were for better or worse, given to me as part of this experience that I live. I think it’s important to understand who we are and how we became who we are in order to move forward into an awakened state.

I am a timid creature, always trepidatious. I am really good at hiding that though…for survival purposes it is a must. I am an Introvert to the extreme. I live inside myself fully. I have turned my energy inward.

I try very hard to make sense of things so that I feel safe. If I understand then I am at peace. If I can’t get my head around something I am at unrest. I have for as long as I can remember…felt pulled. I feel something calling, pulling. Like the earth being pulled around the sun, spinning in place while tumbling at 67,000+ mph.  It puts me in a state of constant disorder because I don’t always understand it. Sometimes I do and I choose to ignore the pull or fight with it, turning it within as it twirls into absolute chaos. Then there are the times that I listen to this….this melody that is being played that only I can hear. My vibrations change, my energy changes, I have dreams that are spiritual and absolutely overwhelming. Taking my breath away and leaving me weeping with joy, a part of the absoluteness of it all. I never forget these dreams and the feelings attached to them remain to this day, a well of fragrant power for me. There is a down side to this though. Because with those dreams, the other dreams come… the other dreams that are absolutely terrifying! I have woken up literally scrambling up my bed saying OMG what the FUCK was that!!! My heart racing a hundred miles an hour, knowing that shit was real, afraid to move because you still feel darkness on you. I have awakened myself speaking languages that I do not know, fluently…then realizing that I am and it all disappears in a wisp of proverbial smoke. I know that I see things differently and it scares me.

Most people see that creation happened at one point in time…big bang…boom! I see it differently, I see that I am, we are, it is, in a process of creation. I am still being created and so is everyone and everything around me. Everything that I feel, see, hear, taste, touch, love, hate…..every single minute thing down to the air I breathe and the food I eat, the people I meet, creates who I am, an act of osmosis if you will. For me, it has always been that way and it always will. I didn't always know this though.

I have my hand in your clay and you have your hand in mine, sometimes indirectly and sometimes directly. Sometimes, I have been molded with rough uncaring hands, and sometimes I have been molded with love. I have had a lot of moments, some I could control and some I could not, so many hands at work…that you wonder in amazement how you got to where you are at this moment in time.

I think I may have been a story teller in a past life sometimes. I see everything as a story to be told, a face to read, a page to turn, a window to look through, an idea to make love to, a flower field to lay in…a scent to still me. It amazes me how far forward one can move in the presence of Stillness...

My Eclectic Mind

There are so many things that float through my mind. Some things stay and live within and others flutter off bouncing from flower to flower. So...here I am creating a blog so that I can share the things that interest this  mind of mine.

Within you will probably find lots of colors...I am a whore when it comes to color. Everyone always ask what your favorite color is but I find that I like them all. The colors that I like at any given time are effected by my mood, my thoughts, my emotions. Though if you held me down and tortured me I would probably scream out GREEN at the top of my lungs.

Green and I go way back. I do after all, see the world through green eyes.