The Creation of Me Part 5: Cleaning and being Cleaned

I've been procrastinating. I know I should be writing right now, I feel it but am avoiding it at the same time. Actually for the ....*Laughs* I was going to say first time but realized...I say that a lot....but connecting always feels like the first time no matter how many times it has happened in the past or how many times it will happen in the future. I'm alone. I hear the cars passing outside every few seconds to remind me that I am not really alone....but it makes no difference. I hear the dog barking in the distance....and a plane overhead...but mostly what I hear are words bouncing around in my head...and with each word I grab onto I go up or down, depending on the word. Such a powerful thing words...I think I may have to stop talking for a while, I fear this sometimes...not being able to talk...to write. I keep hearing this echo of my own voice on a dark night not so long ago...."You pick one foot up and put it in front of the other. You move forward that way." Time for change for more than just one person. Change is a scary thing and not at all easy....but Rumi once said :

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

and that comforts me and gives me excitement for what can be....we never know what

 tomorrow brings...there is only now. 

The Creation of Me Part 4: Please Don't Misunderstand

I realized something recently about myself….It has to do with…oh so many things, and its as painful as slowly pealing an onion back layer by layer…I have been such an angry person as of late. Peoples actions leave a very sour taste in my mouth…*Smiles* gotta love the food references….sorry that is just how it is coming out. I was just about to write, Like a lemon. And there goes my train of thought…I digress please excuse me. Anger is very hard for me to contain once I am angry, it just spills out of me onto the floor like the Wicked Witch of the West, when she had water poured on her. I hate it…and I know that is a problem too. I feel so dizzy trying to unravel the cycle that has been going on far to long…take it and take it and take it…for what? you might ask…For hope, for being stubborn, for hating conflict,for wanting to not be alone. I have a confession to make…I can’t ever remember a time when I was not by myself…I've been alone for short periods of time, but I always had my children…Before that I was a child myself.They were my one constant…and then I ask myself this question to what I believe…If I AM  Infinite…then this statement is not true….There is only one Constant….Me.

To be continued…

 

The Creation of Me Part 3 : Being Realized

I'm afraid to start even writing this. I've sat here for about five min now staring at a blank screen. Trying with all my might to even come up with a title for all that is running through my mind. How do you condense everything you want to say into a sentence? How do I grab a hold of you and get your attention? What is it that will touch you? What is it that will make you love me unconditionally? Or are you already loving me unconditionally and I am to blind to see it? If I am blind to see it what does that say about me? Do I really want to know? *laughs* I keep hearing in my mind, " Once you know you can never un-know." I already know too much, do I really want to keep inundating myself with knowing?

Sometimes I just want to sleep. To close my eyes to the world, in a place that smells like Water Lilly, to bury myself in the sound of running water, letting it cleanse me body, mind and soul. To squish my toes into velvety thick moss as the tingle of energy spreads up my legs and to just be....with no thought...being. Here I am nameless. Here I am faceless. Here....I AM.

The more I am quiet the louder things get. Chaos. I find myself wanting to create...order? I am not sure...that is a new understanding for me...that feeling. I don't mean...actually I am not entirely sure, what I mean. Creation....it is after all what we do isn't it? We are Creators in every aspect of our lives...even in the lives of others we create. We even get to choose what we create....Love, whispers, hate, anger, laughter, homes, buildings, machines, everything. It is part of our seed, our makeup, our existence.

I sometimes feel like what the first thought of consciousness felt like, or what comes to my mind when I think of that action happening. Surrounded by nothingness, black matter all around you, smothering you...this tiny spark of realization pushing against the viscidity of space like a hand against a stretchy fabric...the first thought being formed....being birthed. Realization. I am being Realized.

Spiritual Window Shopping

These spiritual window shoppers
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking. 
They handle a hundred items and put them down, 
shadows with no capital.



 What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping. 
But these walk into a shop, 
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment, 
in that shop.



 Where did you go? "Nowhere." 
What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."



 Even if you don't know what you want, 
buy _something,_ to be part of the exchanging flow.



 Start a huge, foolish project, 
like Noah.



 It makes absolutely no difference 
what people think of you.


Rumi 

Graceful Giving

Today someone said to me "Your giving lacks grace." I have to reflect about this...because I don't want my giving to lack grace. But they were right in all honesty. At least in this circumstance. A lesson I am trying to work through. It was hard to hear it said outloud though. I found myself trying to justify my lack of grace and purety in my giving. To deflect and make them the responsible party. I know why I feel the way I feel and why my giving lacks grace, but those are all my own thoughts and perspectives, so therefore my responisblility to change it, if I so choose. My ego wants to be all over this, and because I am aware of this I can sit appearing quiet on the outside, but inside I have been a flurry of thoughts, emotions, perceptions, sparks, movements, understandings, observations....I'm sorry my giving has lacked grace.

Perusing Emotion-The Creation of Me. Part 2.

i found myself perusing things last night and today to elicite emotion. i like to peruse old letters. Usually i keep things that are important to me in a special place... reserved to always be the Giver. The Giver...one might ask...what does this "Giver" give you? i sigh deeply in trying to put words on what is given to me...it gives to me....exactly what i put into it, to give it back at a later time.

Before i even pick it up, the electric energy pulls me filling me with emotion. i know that there is Love inside...for i have made sure that it overflows. This ordinary holder of memories becomes special because of the contents. Your senses highten, for me smell helps to develope the process....i pull the first letter out, its from my daughter...she wrote it to me on Mother's Day. i unfold the paper and I can smell the ink and paper, it is slightly aged and worn as it has been imprinted on me. i opened it up and saw that somehow it had gotten wet and the ink has been faded...oh...please let it still be readable flows through my thoughts, outwardly i am silent. i pull it close to me as if in a hug when i realize that it is and breathe a sigh of relief. i disappear inwardly, becoming a part of the words of the moment...its almost as if i am being pulled out and along a thread and BAM! I am there. I don't have to look around because I can see everything in a moment...and more importantly...I feel what I see and see what I feel. Tears and Love are summoned and they flow forth, like old friends...enveloping me in a warm embrace.

To be continued......

An Idea for Change

So....this lottery got me thinking. It was 588 Million Dollars. Two people won it and they will share...385 Million. The government will get 203 million and that will be divided into oblivion. This got me thinking about how it got that high. It has rolled over for 16 weeks. For 16 weeks we have funneled millions of dollars into a system that has made 2 people rich and those people...may or may not spend their money wisely. We all know that the odds of winning are astronomical,1 in 175,711,536.....you have a better chance to drop dead of a heart attack right this second. That brings me to the question....why. Why when we have so many woes in this world, why when we complain that our economy is so bad do we continue to do this....we funnel BILLIONS of dollars into the lottery. 11.6 billion dollars has been paid out to 300 people in the last 20 years. That doesn't include the governments take. I'm not going to break it all down here, because I really don't need to....we all get the point.

That's a lot of money

There are so many other things that we could be doing with that money. Things that benefit us all as a whole...our education system is *sighs* a joke, people are homeless, hungry, and destitute all around us. We don't need our government to tell us that we can see it on a daily basis...yet we look to them to fix our woes when we could be fixing them ourselves. No one MAKES us spend that much money on lottery. It isn't a necessity. We could develope an energy source that could change the world with that kind of money. We could create so many helpful ideas...so many. But yet we continue on as if we are the only ones that matter...if I win...I'll be happy...who cares about all that other stuff...I'll be happy. Sadly the odds are against it though. Two people are very happy today though....I have a hard time not thinking of all the ones that aren't though. I hope it was money well spent.